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Homeless — not hopeless

As we venture through our day, we pass thousands of people, doing a thousand different things for a thousand different reasons.  Getting caught up in the demands of college makes passing by the swarm of surrounding faces a habitual, subconscious task. So we continue on with our lives, filling up …

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New criteria for bowl games stirs up drama

Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake. In a news conference just held today, Chairman of the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) Graham Spanier announced a number of new qualification requirements have been added to the BCS selection process. Many believe that …

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I saw dead people… and it was kind of amazing

Elizabeth Foster, or Liz, a senior and human-phys/dance double major, is a TA for Friday afternoons in a cadaver lab. She invited me to come with her, and I over-enthusiastically responded yes. Her friend Christi Hutchinson, also a senior and human physiology major, decided to join as well. “Are you …

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Update: YQL/jQuery RSS aggregator

I rewrote the script from my previous post to pull a couple more sources and sort them by publication date. — Using the Yahoo-generated REST query seems to work better than assembling it myself, but I’m not sure why. When I build it, it returns the results, but it doesn’t …

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The "Crack" of Dawn…

When I was in seventh grade, I got my first thong. I remember the adrenaline I felt when I walked towards the cashier with the bright blue butt-less apparatus in hand. I remember how rebellious and mature I felt as the women handed me my purchase and robotically spoke, “Have …

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The “Crack” of Dawn…

When I was in seventh grade, I got my first thong. I remember the adrenaline I felt when I walked towards the cashier with the bright blue butt-less apparatus in hand. I remember how rebellious and mature I felt as the women handed me my purchase and robotically spoke, “Have …

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It's a Bird…It's a Plane…It's Lariviere?

Editor’s note: This is a satirical article published as part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series. The University boasts a considerable list of notable alumni and other associates. Author Chuck Palahniuk graduated from the University; so did Portland Mayor Sam Adams. There’s also the beloved Steve Prefontaine, as well as Nike …

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It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…It’s Lariviere?

Editor’s note: This is a satirical article published as part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series. The University boasts a considerable list of notable alumni and other associates. Author Chuck Palahniuk graduated from the University; so did Portland Mayor Sam Adams. There’s also the beloved Steve Prefontaine, as well as Nike …

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We're All Gonna Die—And Here’s How…

1.      THE EARTH BECOMES A MICROWAVE AND WE BOIL FROM THE INSIDE OUT LIKE THAT GERBIL IN THAT CARTOON. The outer layer of Earth’s core is hot. We’re talking, so damn hot that the iron and nickel are liquid and sloshing around as the Earth twirls and revolves around the …

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We’re All Gonna Die—And Here’s How…

1.      THE EARTH BECOMES A MICROWAVE AND WE BOIL FROM THE INSIDE OUT LIKE THAT GERBIL IN THAT CARTOON. The outer layer of Earth’s core is hot. We’re talking, so damn hot that the iron and nickel are liquid and sloshing around as the Earth twirls and revolves around the …

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Birds of a Feather Design Together

Michael Salter, University assistant professor and director of digital arts, knew money in his department was tight.  And when graduating students from the digital arts department expressed interest in a fifth-year program based out of Portland, Salter encouraged them with words but was unable  provide any financial help. Student Brian …

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Declining party culture negatively affects economy, freshmen

Editor’s note: This is a satirical article published as part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series. A dramatic decrease in the amount of parties around the University campus in the wake of the clash between University students and police is leaving a considerable dent in the local economy and a shift …

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The Horrendous Space Kablooie*

15 billion years ago, there was nothing. No trees, no people, no water, no Stanford football team to annihilate. There was no time, no dimensions, and no Doctor Who (although, I’m sure he’s visited). 14 billion years ago, there was a Big Bang (…If a universe suddenly exists, and no …

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Signmann: Living by his name

Every morning between 4 and 6 a.m. while most students lie dormant, Doug Signmann, also known as Jesus Guy, begins his day. He wakes up, recites a prayer, grabs a fresh cup of Starbucks coffee and heads for campus. Dressed in black pants, an Oregon Ducks T-shirt on top of …

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De-livered to the game…

Greg Wallace doesn’t remember how he got here. He doesn’t remember putting on the hospital gown,  or getting strapped into a chair that looks and feels like it came straight out of a medieval torture chamber either. The one thing he does remember, however, is why he’s here: Wallace just …

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Really Cool Sciency Things You Missed This Summer Because, Let’s Face It, You Were Probably Intoxicated

1.      The Triceratops IS NOT A REAL DINOSAUR Okay, so that’s going a little overboard. It existed, but it’s not its own species. MSU Paleontologists John Scannella and Jack Horner have been studying the Triceratops alongside another species, the Torosaurus. At first glance, the differences between the skulls of …

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Teasing WordPress posts with YQL, jQuery, JSONP and iframes

The Emerald’s blogs run on an install of WordPress MU. I wanted to pull the latest post on each blog into the homepage of the main site to drive traffic to ’em. I obviously didn’t want to update the teases by hand — that would just be silly. Bonus: this …

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Increasing Tuition: Decreasing Experiences

Eager to begin the college admissions process, Darion Jones filled out an early application as soon as he began his senior year of high school.  By November, he was accepted, officially becoming a duck. Unlike some students, he had comfort in knowing where he was attending college for virtually his …

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Sit Down and Smell The Coffee

Last year, my love life took an unexpected turn… Following high school, freshman year of college marked a new beginning. After getting out of a two-year relationship, I knew the last thing I wanted was a serious commitment. That was, until I met coffee. It started out simple — a …

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