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(Courtesy of Ellie Reisman)

Three weeks ago, when quarantine began, I vowed to start working out, to read all the books I never had time for and to finally start a column for the Daily Emerald.  But here I am, 10 pounds heavier, zero books read, with an entirely empty column. However, we will prevail, and just like the Great Depression brought us John Steinbeck’s “Grapes of Wrath” and the Spanish Inquisition gave us “Don Quixote,” from the Coronavirus comes America’s next master of words: “Quarantine with Cappelletti.”

Being a journalist during the Coronavirus should be pretty easy, right? My normal writing routine is completely uninterrupted: Stare at the wall for two hours, drink three cups of coffee, rewrite the same sentence 30 different times and finally come to the self-realization that I’m not as good a writer as my mom’s Facebook comments say I am. But, as my sister loudly does her home workout video upstairs and the wine bottle sitting next to me says, “One glass with breakfast never hurt anyone in quarantine,” I am quickly beginning to realize how difficult productivity might be. 

Attempting to construct a mission statement for “Quarantine with Cappelletti” has proven to be quite difficult because no one has any idea what’s happening from one day to the next. One minute, our president is saying, “We have it totally under control,” and a week later my Christian neighbor is posting on Facebook that this is the end of times and we must pay for our sins. You’re telling me if I had gone to Sunday school more often, we wouldn’t be in this situation? Almost every day that we wake up, it feels as though a new reality awaits us. And that is what “Quarantine with Cappelletti” will be — a column that allows for a raw, unfiltered opinion as we continue through 2020. 

This column aims to do something never done before: give a voice to an opinionated white man. Whether it be a Trump press conference, a Gal Gadot celebrity sing-along or another toilet paper stabbing, this column will cover it all. 

One might think that my $4-a-month subscription to the New York Times might make me omniscient. In reality, I’m just as befuddled as the rest. So, just like Trump urged Americans to wear facemasks, even though he wouldn’t, I am urging you to read my column – even though I won’t.