2021.10.22.EMG.ATB.askingforafriend

Alexis Barrett/Daily Emerald 

Is it bad I’m not as horny as my boyfriend? Which is practically 24/7?

-Not As Horny 

Dear Not As Horny,

It’s very common in relationships to experience different sex drives. How often you want to have sex varies depending on mood, stress levels, context and much more. So, the simple answer is no — it is not bad that you are not as horny as your boyfriend. However, having different sex drives can impact the relationship, so here is some advice on how to deal with it.

First, communicating with your partner is important. Let them know that you have a different sex drive than them and that not being as horny has to do with you and not them. This is important because your boyfriend might take it personally when it isn’t meant to offend or hurt their feelings. Once you have expressed how you’re feeling, then you can feel a little less stressed because your boyfriend knows. A few questions to ask during this conversation could be:

  1. Does it bother you that I have a different sex drive than you?

  2. Will this drastically impact our relationship?

  3. Is it a dealbreaker?

Asking these types of questions may be uncomfortable, but it allows for your boyfriend to express their thoughts and feelings. This conversation is meant to be constructive and make your relationship stronger.

After having this conversation, you can examine why you are not as horny. Sometimes, it is biological, and your sex drive is just low. If that is the case, it is very normal, and you will have to remind your boyfriend of that. However, sometimes a low sex drive is caused by external factors like stress, school work, professional work, personal issues, anxiety or depression. As college students, we are chronically stressed, and you may feel overworked. Examining your habits, lifestyle and workload will help you see if external factors are impacting your sex drive.

If you realize external factors are impacting your sex drive, stress management activities like  having a consistent sleep schedule, exercising regularly, reducing course load and making time for mindfulness activities, such as meditation, can all help. When you feel more comfortable and relaxed, your sex drive may increase.

Additionally, your partner can help! Many people are not turned on enough before having sex. Making sure your boyfriend is doing what you like and performing foreplay may increase your horniness. For example, if being kissed on the neck turns you on, let them know. Or, if you enjoy being eaten out, ask them to start with that. Asking them to engage in activities that turn you on will make the experience more enjoyable for both of you!

It is important to remind yourself that being less horny than your boyfriend is not a bad thing and it is very normal. Nothing is wrong with you. You are human, and you have a different sex drive. However, you need to communicate with your boyfriend and make sure you are trying to satisfy both of you. If you do not like to have sex as often as them, that is fine — tell them that. Leaving your boyfriend in the dark will only cause issues in the relationship.

Communicating and working through this together will make your relationship stronger and will hopefully lead to some fun and enjoyable sexual experiences.

Sex and Relationship Columnist

Aisha is a writer for the Arts and Culture desk. In her free time she enjoys reading, going on runs, and kombucha!