There I was, watching “Spongebob Squarepants” as I am wont to do during my free time, and I realize with a huge sense of sadness that I will never know what a Krabby Patty tastes like. Sure, it’s a sea-based hamburger of some sort, but the Krabby Patty is more than that: it’s a life-changing event, an ethereal experience. It’s “good for your soul.”

It got me thinking: what other amazing foods will we never, in our world of reality, be allowed to eat? And here we have the greatest fictional food that will never exist.

Butterbeer — That delicious beverage from the wizarding world of Harry Potter is served both hot and cold and tastes a bit like butterscotch, apparently. It warms up during cold Hogwarts’ winters, and also has a very small alcohol content (only house-elves would really feel it).

Three-Course-Dinner Gum — This invention from Gene Wilder’s “Willy Wonka” encompassed tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie flavors in one stick of chewing gum, making the chewer feel as if she was actually eating the whole meal. Despite the small defect of causing the chewer to blow up like a giant blueberry balloon, this gum could be one of the greatest candies ever.

Slurm — “Futurama”  introduced its viewers to a whole plethora of new and interesting concepts in food, but the highly addictive soft drink Slurm is what I most would like to try. Anything that keeps you coming back, even after knowing that the drink is a product of a giant slug alien’s behind, has got to be good.

Lembas — This tasty elf treat comes from “The Lord of the Rings,” and is a closely guarded secret of the elves. This bread sustained Frodo and Sam all the way to Mordor. Yum.

Cornballs — Although the cornballing machine itself is highly dangerous and illegal in both the United States and Mexico, Arrested Development’s cornballs still have something about them that makes them seem almost worth the third degree burns.

Please consider donating to the Emerald. We are an independent non-profit dedicated to supporting and educating this generation's best journalists. Your donation helps pay equipment costs, travel, payroll, and more!