Griggs: Can men and women just be friends? A response to Vice President Mike Pence

A friend of mine came to me with a problem the other day. She told me that she had a male friend who, upon courting and marrying another woman, grew distant from her. Upon some reflection, I realized why: all women are dangerous, wicked she-devils, and I completely understand why this friend would be worried that, despite his dedication to purity, Christian values and devotion to his partner, he might one day feel the urge to have sex with her.

“Unfortunately,” I told my friend, “Men cannot have female companions other than their wives. We must urge them to take the highest leadership roles while maintaining that they are completely helpless and it takes absolutely nothing for them to fall prey to our evil ways.”

As women, we must be aware of the delicate feelings and sensitive libidos of our male counterparts. Men are like tall, handsome babies; they literally have no control of anything they do! I’ve heard a lot of feminist ramblings about how men and women should be equal, but I think that we should embrace what makes us different, and the main difference between men and women is that a married man cannot be trusted to dine with a female without throwing himself onto her – and that’s perfectly fine!

Mike Pence represents the culmination of how a workplace without women can benefit a man. (Creative Commons)

Men and women cannot be “just friends,” because if a dude is willingly spending alone time with a so-called female “friend,” he really just wants to have babies with her. Oh, and enough with the friend zone, okay? If a guy opens the door for you, you’re required to have sex with him. But if you do, and he’s married, just remember that you’ll be branded as a seductress who broke up a perfect marriage.

Women, if you’re confused, I understand. All of these rules about what we can and can’t do are pretty whack, right?

But, ladies, it’s time we realize the unfair advantages we have over men. We have the upper hand because men are powerless when it comes to our sexuality, so to reward them for behaving (not forcing themselves on us too hard) we should allow them some time without temptation and remove ourselves from any sphere of influence. We need to kick women out of schools and positions of power, once and for all. This will solve the dress code problem those “politically correct” feminist “libcucks” have been going on about. It’s totally understandable that male students would be distracted by girls wearing tank tops that display shoulders; they’re clearly the hottest of all human joints, following the knee.

With enough effort, maybe the “special snowflakes” will finally learn that the most important thing we as a society can do is keep our boys in school without distraction. It is absolutely imperative that there is a place where young boys can cultivate their masculinity without feminine influence. One day, with enough of this toxic masculinity, a complete lack of understanding of feminist theory and a totally debilitating fear of women that doesn’t allow them to have any female friends, they could even become the Vice President of the United States of America!

So good luck boys, and try to avoid getting trapped in the evil charms of the feminine figure! But if you can’t, that’s fine; you’ll still ultimately find success in whatever you do and face minimal (or no) punishment if you screw up!


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Taylor Griggs

Taylor Griggs

Daily Emerald opinion columnist looking at social justice issues from a new lens. I make a lot of tea that I don't drink.