Kwiecien: What if you’re not ready to move in with your significant other?
My boyfriend keeps dropping hints that he wants to move in together after we graduate, with not-so-subtle things like “I wish you didn’t have roommates and it was just you and me,” or saying that the two of us should move to Missouri (where his family lives). We’ve been together for years, but I’m personally not at all ready, nor mentally prepared to be committed in a marriage or domestic partnership or whatever that means. I love him to death and don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want him to think we’re going to move in together after we graduate… How am I supposed to relay this to him?
Dear Not Ready,
Big decisions take big planning and I’m happy to hear that you care about yourself as well as your partner’s emotions in this big change. I think the best way to answer your question is by examining why you feel you aren’t ready. I hope I can help you answer it by in turn guiding you through the following questions.
First, let’s say you’re in love; you’re madly in love. What does it mean to you, to not be ready to move in? Whether someone is not ready to move in with someone, not ready to have sex, get married or have kids, there is a reason why, but it may be difficult to understand for yourself.
Even identifying that you’re in love can be hard sometimes. Try thinking about why you’re not ready and this will definitely help you understand how to share your emotions.
This leads me to my next question. Of course this is a big decision with a lot of implications, but what is there to lose? Do you have a job and don’t want to uproot? Do you want to stay near your home, the Pacific Northwest or anything else that won’t be available in a new location? If there is something, that may be a great basis for staying, but if not, this may be a stepping stone to your adventurous life! Remember, life is an adventure.
And what about the two of you? Whether you move in together or not, are you staying together after college? Love is a big ol’ deal and maybe even the most important aspect of life. Can you imagine a long distance relationship, or is being in close proximity a necessity for the two of you?
If you want to try long distance and hold on with all the love you have, then that is a beautiful idea to share with your partner, but as you may have heard, long distance relationships are tricky. Consider the trajectory of your relationship. Asking these questions may be a healthy bonding experience before you decide what to do.
Finally, what is the perfect scenario, and what makes it perfect for you? Imagining an ideal world can usually give you insight into the things you want but can’t quite articulate. For example, if you simply can’t see yourself without a dog in the future, you will realize that it’s a priority. The same can be said for locations, lifestyles, jobs, how you spend your money, where your family is and many other options. Just consider the super perfect world you will live in, and some of the characteristics of that life can help you identify why one situation is better than another. What will lead you to the life you’re looking for, and how will this decision impact your life?
One final suggestion is to ask your partner some of these questions and see how he feels. Perhaps you may know his answer because you’ve been together for so long, but asking them together may spark some new ideas for the future and help address the change.
I hope you move in the right direction,
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