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Kwiecien: How do you handle not climaxing during sex?

How do you handle not being able to climax during a session in which your partner has multiple orgasms? – Blessing and a curse

Dear Blessing and a curse,

From your legal name, I get the sense that you feel slightly ambiguous about your question. On one hand, you like the fact that you can please your sexual partner and it’s kind of satisfying to know that they enjoy it. It’s important in any sexual relationship to hold up your end of the give-and-take; it’s immensely gratifying when your partner is enjoying it.

On the other hand, you feel like you might be missing out on the satisfaction or maybe you want to share in that satisfaction, not just that you want to orgasm, but that you want to orgasm with your partner! There’s something wonderful about a sexual relationship because you share these feelings together.

Not being able to orgasm may come from under-stimulation, not being in the right mindset or maybe focusing too heavily on your partner and not on yourself. First and foremost, try to relax when you’re doing the deed. You might be too preoccupied or worried about your partner and can’t really get in the mood. At the same time, avoid drinking too. Alcohol won’t do you any favors in this scenario.

Secondly, don’t feel coerced into sleeping with someone if you don’t want to. What I’m saying is: it’s hard to enjoy sex if you don’t want to do it, if you’re not in the right frame of mind or if it’s just too physically exhausting to accomplish. But if you feel relaxed, the mood is right and you want to have sex, you might just be a little under-stimulated. Foreplay helps with that — it helps a lot!

Try spending more time touching each other before you have sex, so as to get some of the pre-stimulation you deserve. This may even make you more excited about having sex and will be a mutual turn-on. 

Even in sex-only relationships, honesty and communication are essential. The reason people often fear communication is because you don’t know how the other person will react. That can be pretty scary. Especially in sexual relationships, people are very vulnerable and exposed with their partner. This is why communication needs to be considerate and gentle, but still honest.

So how do you be gentle, tactful and also frank? Sharing with your partner that you’re completely unsatisfied is probably not the right choice. Before you have sex, ask if your partner will touch you in a way that you like or simply tell them if you like when they do something in particular. You don’t need to say that you never orgasm.

Unless you feel like you need to tell your partner, this can be a time for self-exploration and finding what you like in sex. Before you make it a relationship crisis, know that you can take control of your body too!

Hope you screw the curse and get to screwing,


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Braedon Kwiecien

Braedon Kwiecien