Beyond the Bedroom: Cutting the leash of a “just sex” relationship
I’ve been sleeping with this guy for the last 6 months on and off. He keeps saying its just sex but when we are together it doesn’t feel like “just sex.” I’m sick of not knowing where we stand, but every time I bring it up he says I’m too clingy and doesn’t want to talk about it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
-Tired of Being a Leash
Dear Tired of Being a Leash,
For most people, separating physical and emotional love is extremely difficult. Being romantically involved without any form of physical love is rare — as is a successful partnership that is strictly limited to the physical. To some extent, you can’t have one without the other because the line between the two becomes blurred.
Too many people have attempted to have relationships limited to “just sex” and have found themselves in your situation. The relationship that began as merely physical attraction quickly turned into something more. It’s a classic and it is awful.
Physical relationships tend to leave one person feeling used, as you do now. Feelings are forming, but nothing is being reciprocated. It’s degrading and depressing, and it can be really difficult to say no when you really care about someone, even when you know they don’t feel the same for you.
It’s not worth the stress of balancing feelings that are not mutual. Six months is a long time to uphold a “just sex” relationship. Sometimes it can seem rational to comply with whatever the other person wants simply to avoid losing them. If you want to have a more meaningful relationship and this person isn’t giving you that opportunity, I would advise you to walk away.
If the relationship is going to work out, this person will realize that they have feelings too. Ending a “just sex” relationship can be really uncomfortable because it feels like a break up, even though you were never dating. This will definitely be hard for you, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.
I understand that you may have a mutual desire to occasionally relieve yourself of sexual deprivation, but feeling good for brief moments isn’t worth feeling hurt all the time. You’re never going to feel entirely satisfied if you’re not getting what you really want. Don’t be tricked into believing in feelings that aren’t real.
If this person is accusing you of being clingy when you ask to talk about emotions, they probably aren’t ready for commitment. It isn’t “clingy” to want communication. You should consider whether this person is really worth the stress.
Being kept on a leash is frustrating and cutting the leash is difficult, but it’s best to look out for yourself. If this person isn’t pleasing you, you shouldn’t comply with what they want. If you don’t want to have “just sex,” you don’t have to.
Best of luck,
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