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Live on election night: Stewart and Colbert hope you didn’t forget to remember to vote

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“Democalypse 2014: America Remembers It Forgot to Vote.”

Jon Stewart starts his show by clearing the air. Earlier he appeared on CNN saying he “doesn’t normally vote in midterms, but did vote today.” He said he didn’t make it clear enough that he was joking in a genuinely serious apology.

Okay, enough seriousness. Let’s get down to the real business.

This year the Empire State Building will flash blue lights over the city if the Democrats remain in control and red if the Republican Party takes over. “We will replace the Statue of Liberty’s torch with an AK-47 and a bible if the Republicans win. If the Democrats stay, ‘The Daily Show’ will blow up the moon,” Stewart said. BOOM! I don’t know what’s scarier, compete and utter darkness for the rest of time or Republicans taking back the Senate (thank you, thank you).

Stewart first talks local results: Democrat Andrew Cuoma of New York is expected to win at 59 percent. Democrat Cory Booker from New Jersey won, “Even while busy pulling someone from a burning car while tweeting.” Stewart said he’s not sure of him as a senator but he makes a good superhero. While these victories happen to be in the favor of Democrats, the Republican Party ultimately got the six senate seats they needed to take over, as predicted. Looks like we’ll be keeping the moon.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Kentucky’s winner is… Mitch McConnell! (They show a photo of a cartoon turtle). If you’ve watched The Daily Show at all the last year you’ve probably seen McConnell multiple times. My personal favorite being the total magoo campaign ad McConnell aired, inspiring the viral hashtag #McConnelling.

Ladies and gentleman, our new Majority Leader:

Jason Jones, senior midterm elections correspondent had the pleasure of a guest appearance by money (who resembled Rob Riggle). “We all know republicans love me, but I like playing hard to get with the democrats,” money says. “Show ‘em a twenty and they’ll be saying ‘ooh feels so good, more, more!”

In other news, New Hampshire democrat Jeanne Shaheen defeated republican Scott Brown and republican Shelley Moore Capito became West Virginia’s first female senate member. Girl power!


The Colbert Report

“Midterms ‘014: Detour to Gridlock: An Exciting Thing That I Am Totally Interested In—Wait! Don’t Change the Channel. Look at this Video of a Duckling Following a Cat Dressed Like a Shark Riding a Roomba! ‘014!.”

Yes, that is the actual name of tonight’s show. And yes, they played a video of a duckling following a cat dressed like a shark riding a Roomba and yes, it was adorable.

“No election has ever been this mid-portant,” Colbert says. “This will be my last election night special. I am off the air next month to pursue my dream of never reporting the midterm elections again.” Aw, we’ll miss you Stephen.

To get things started, we just have to reiterate the comic significance of McConnell’s win. We see a video of Mitch McConnell (which is actually a turtle) and his victory party (which is actually the turtle rubbing on grass put to techno music).

Now that we got that out of the way, Colbert moves on to making fun of Fox News as per usual. “Fox News has a secret weapon so secret, they can’t stop talking about it.” Clip after clip the reporters of Fox talk about a “Brain Room” they get all their election information from. “As suspected, Fox News keeps all their brains in one room. And it’s not the one with the cameras,” Colbert says. They just make it too easy.

In his own “Brain Room” if you will, which he calls the “Mountain of Midterm Madness” Colbert holds a stick with a skull on it, and sacrifices his blood to the devil for the results to Alaska’s election. Maybe this is what Fox’s “Brain Room” looks like, but that’s just hearsay. Ultimately, the verdict turns out to be “too close to call.” Damn you, Alaska!

Colbert gets a little emotional as he says goodbye to where he has spent the last nine years of his life. As he holds his earpiece, “Wait – I still have another month and a half of shows? Nevermind!”

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Sydney Zuelke

Sydney Zuelke