Rosenthal: A ‘conversation’ with Jose Canseco

I am a huge fan of Jose Canseco. I follow him on Twitter (if you don’t have a Twitter, it’s worth getting an account just to follow Canseco) and his tweets are consistently among the highlights of my day. So, earlier this week when his twitter account disappeared, I struggled with withdrawals before I finally connected with Jose and sat down for a dinner conversation.
The following account is fictitious. @@[email protected]@


Oregon Daily Emerald: Thank you so much for talking with me, Jose. I have so many questions, but I first and foremost want to ask you about something that happened in May of 1993, when you were hit in the head with a ball that bounced off your head and over the fence for a home run. @@[email protected]@

Jose Canseco: Oh yeah, you know I think I should set the record straight about that, actually.

ODE: Please do.

JC: See all people ever freakin’ talk about is how I let the ball bounce off my head and go for a home run. And they’re like, ‘Jose, how could you let that happen?’ and nobody ever stops to ask how it felt. It hurt! But I took it like a man. That’s the problem with sports today. I guarantee you if that happened today the outfielder would have to sit out like 100 games for concussion synonyms.

ODE: I think you mean “symptoms.”

JC: Whatever, you get the idea. Why does the media always try to hate on me? But yeah, if a player did that today the guy that hit the ball would be fined. We’re sissy-fying sports.

ODE: Can you maybe think of a better word? I don’t think my editor will let me print that.

JC: Oh, you have editors in newspapers too? I didn’t realize that.

ODE: Yes, yes we do.

JC: Wow, I had to spend so much time with editors when I was writing my books. I never knew that even professional writers still have people proofread.  You know I’ve written books, right?

ODE: Please tell me more.

JC: Yeah I wrote two books. The first one was called “Juiced” and it was about steroids. The second one was called “Vindicated” and was also about steroids. Oh, and haters too. I’m thinking of writing a third book, actually. Guess what it’s going to be about? @@[email protected]@

ODE: Steroids?

JC: Why would I write a third book about steroids? Who’s ever heard of writing three books about the same topic?

ODE: Well, it’s called a trilogy, Jose. Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings…

JC: Oh, well I want to write a book about Twitter. You follow me on Twitter, right?

ODE: Absolutely. Actually, I wanted to ask you about that what happened to your Twitter page recently.

JC: I don’t know exactly what happened. All of the sudden I couldn’t access my account. I think maybe it was Bud Selig?

ODE: Bud Selig?

JC: Yeah, Major League Baseball has hated me ever since I wrote my first book — I don’t understand it, I just told the truth and they got all upset about it. Ever since then no Major League team has shown any interest in signing me and I don’t think that has anything to do with my ability.

ODE: You don’t think it’s because the prime of your career was decades ago?

JC: Man have you seen my Twitter photo? I’m jacked. Off these sissy pitchers today I could hit 90 home runs a year, especially with all these tiny ballparks. I’d easily be the home-run leader if I played this year. @@[email protected]@

ODE: Ninety? You really think you could hit that many?

JC: Easily, especially if I played somewhere like Colorado. Do they need a DH?

ODE: The Rockies are an NL team, Jose. They don’t have a DH…

JC: First baseman then, whatever? Why you got to be such a hater?

Do you appreciate independent student journalism? Emerald Media Group is a non-profit organization. Please consider a donation to support our mission.



Tell us what you think:

Daily Emerald

Daily Emerald