Shallot: Next freshmen to be housed in 150 Columbia

Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.

Even with the East Campus Residence Hall@@http://housing.uoregon.edu/ecrh/@@ set to open this fall, the projected enrollment increases from the Rose Bowl victory are forcing the University to consider alternate housing situations for new freshmen.

That now includes lecture halls, specifically the near-500-seat 150 Columbia.

“Hey man, I’m just stoked to get into Eugene to see what these Ducks are all about. Those unis are sick!” Maryland high school senior John Brinkley said. “A classroom? Dude, doesn’t matter, as long as I can make it to Autzen come Saturday.”

Over the past few years, University attendance has skyrocketed along with its elite football program, prompting student housing to work with apartments in the area to find room for freshman who are unable to reach the residence halls. Now, the housing administration is close to finalizing a deal that would rent out floor space in large lecture halls to students who can’t fit into dormitories.

These students would be able to join their peers in all the residence dining services and will receive premiere service in the Knight Library to compensate for the lack of study space typically found in a dorm room.

“Basically, what we’ve been told is (these students will) be allowed on any computer they need and will have first option on any of the reserved rooms they need,” library assistant Kate Janey said.

While much of the plan is sorted out, much is still left to be decided. How, for instance, will classes still be held in the building in the daytime?

Housing insists this won’t be a problem.

An official from the department said it was committed to the same level of support it offers for other students. He said that sleeping pads will be distributed to students who need them, and will be held in a closet during the day.

“We are a strong department committed to doing what we can while the University grows,” the official added.

The University’s athletic department wouldn’t comment on how increased enrollment will affect ticket distribution.

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