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Don't let your relationship make you forget yourself
In my opinion | Anything But Apathy
by Deborah Bloom | Columnist
As I am a fairly responsible person, drinking on a Thursday night is not common practice for me. Usually I am at home or in the library, either feeding my Facebook addiction or reading comments of my columns online. But tonight is not just any night, it's Valentine's night, and this specific night requires a certain amount of sadness for the unattached. So, while you are spending time with your significant other, I will be attempting to forget Valentine's Day by turning on some reggae music, supplying liquor, and inviting over my few remaining unattached friends in order to drink away our sorrows of solitude together.
You might assume that I am content with this scenario. I love my friends. I love reggae. I love alcohol. But you would be wrong, because no amount of watered down vodka or Damien Marley will allow me to forget cold, hard reality: On this Valentine's Day, I have no significant other, no counterpart, no man to call my own. As though being Jewish on Christmas wasn't bad enough, now I must endure the fact that tonight, while I am drinking my third vodka tonic, the majority of my friends and half of the student body are either out to dinner or having sex.
But today is only one of 365. Tomorrow, my bitterness will subside as my hangover dwindles, and I will return to my usual state of complacency and fulfillment. I know that finding my other half will not necessarily make me a whole person, and I am extremely proud of my development as a single individual. After so many failed relationships, I have grown to enjoy the freedom of not having to factor someone into my decisions. In fact, being single is not a particular concern of mine. I generally like myself as I am and I know that there is plenty of time to be with someone in the future.
What does concern me is that I see many of you settling for someone in order to not be alone. This doesn't seem unusual. Perhaps you have just recently fled the nest and so naturally you want to find companionship. Maybe the idea of becoming an adult is scary. Yet, I see many of you looking for relationships out of a need for self-acceptance. Subsequently, the degree to which you allow your relationship to define you is alarming.
We all know what it means to "let yourself go," but gaining weight is not nearly as alarming as is the fact that I have seen far too many people, whom I once regarded as self-sufficient and independent, regress to a state of juvenile neediness. This frustrates me. We're in college; we're exploring our roles as adults. As easy as it to transfer the responsibility of loving yourself onto someone else, it's counterproductive, because no relationship is as substantial as the one you have with yourself.
The scenario is all too common: girl likes boy, boy likes girl, girl ditches friends, boy ditches girl. I have seen far too many people flock into the arms of a lover and thereafter neglect the friendships that cannot easily fit into his or her new identity as a couple. In the process, friendships that have the potential to foster you as an individual are being forfeited in favor of a relationship that is ultimately detrimental.
Some of you have even told me that your relationship is ending but you do not wish to acknowledge this because you cannot imagine life without him or her. Sometimes, when I hear you complain about the dwindling sex or the lack of intellectual stimulation, I want to tell you to move on, to not settle, to not compromise yourself in order to be with someone. However, discretion dictates otherwise: Who am I to tell you to not be with your significant other? What do I know?
You tell me that your relationship is not quite what it once was. Perhaps you do not get the respect you once had or the sort of reassurance you once needed. You ignore your intuition and stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend because it's comfortable and you hope that one day your relationship will turn back into the epitome of perfection it once seemed. Readers, you know better. Ignoring your own voice is like severing your own relationship with yourself in favor of someone else's. This is the time to be comfortable with who you are, despite whom you are with.
Please, do not be defensive. Do not brush me off with the assumption that I do not know what I am talking about. Settling for someone because they like you, or because you need them, or because you don't want to be alone is denigrating to yourself as an individual. Relish your identity, and recognize that being alone does not have to be tantamount to loneliness. This Valentine's Day, do not celebrate only your relationship, but celebrate also the love for yourself that your relationship can successfully nurture.
dbloom@dailyemerald.com
You might assume that I am content with this scenario. I love my friends. I love reggae. I love alcohol. But you would be wrong, because no amount of watered down vodka or Damien Marley will allow me to forget cold, hard reality: On this Valentine's Day, I have no significant other, no counterpart, no man to call my own. As though being Jewish on Christmas wasn't bad enough, now I must endure the fact that tonight, while I am drinking my third vodka tonic, the majority of my friends and half of the student body are either out to dinner or having sex.
But today is only one of 365. Tomorrow, my bitterness will subside as my hangover dwindles, and I will return to my usual state of complacency and fulfillment. I know that finding my other half will not necessarily make me a whole person, and I am extremely proud of my development as a single individual. After so many failed relationships, I have grown to enjoy the freedom of not having to factor someone into my decisions. In fact, being single is not a particular concern of mine. I generally like myself as I am and I know that there is plenty of time to be with someone in the future.
What does concern me is that I see many of you settling for someone in order to not be alone. This doesn't seem unusual. Perhaps you have just recently fled the nest and so naturally you want to find companionship. Maybe the idea of becoming an adult is scary. Yet, I see many of you looking for relationships out of a need for self-acceptance. Subsequently, the degree to which you allow your relationship to define you is alarming.
We all know what it means to "let yourself go," but gaining weight is not nearly as alarming as is the fact that I have seen far too many people, whom I once regarded as self-sufficient and independent, regress to a state of juvenile neediness. This frustrates me. We're in college; we're exploring our roles as adults. As easy as it to transfer the responsibility of loving yourself onto someone else, it's counterproductive, because no relationship is as substantial as the one you have with yourself.
The scenario is all too common: girl likes boy, boy likes girl, girl ditches friends, boy ditches girl. I have seen far too many people flock into the arms of a lover and thereafter neglect the friendships that cannot easily fit into his or her new identity as a couple. In the process, friendships that have the potential to foster you as an individual are being forfeited in favor of a relationship that is ultimately detrimental.
Some of you have even told me that your relationship is ending but you do not wish to acknowledge this because you cannot imagine life without him or her. Sometimes, when I hear you complain about the dwindling sex or the lack of intellectual stimulation, I want to tell you to move on, to not settle, to not compromise yourself in order to be with someone. However, discretion dictates otherwise: Who am I to tell you to not be with your significant other? What do I know?
You tell me that your relationship is not quite what it once was. Perhaps you do not get the respect you once had or the sort of reassurance you once needed. You ignore your intuition and stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend because it's comfortable and you hope that one day your relationship will turn back into the epitome of perfection it once seemed. Readers, you know better. Ignoring your own voice is like severing your own relationship with yourself in favor of someone else's. This is the time to be comfortable with who you are, despite whom you are with.
Please, do not be defensive. Do not brush me off with the assumption that I do not know what I am talking about. Settling for someone because they like you, or because you need them, or because you don't want to be alone is denigrating to yourself as an individual. Relish your identity, and recognize that being alone does not have to be tantamount to loneliness. This Valentine's Day, do not celebrate only your relationship, but celebrate also the love for yourself that your relationship can successfully nurture.
dbloom@dailyemerald.com
Viewing Comments 1 - 6 of 6
Amy W.
posted 2/14/08 @ 1:18 AM PST
As an old person of 44 I can say that more women have kept in touch with friends from college than with boyfriends from college (with the exception of those they married). (Continued…)
Amy W.
posted 2/14/08 @ 1:22 AM PST
As an old person of 44 I can say that more women have kept in touch with friends from college than with boyfriends from college.
Tim
posted 2/14/08 @ 9:56 AM PST
I agree with what you're saying. Sometimes it sucks being single but it is important not to settle. Some people have a relationship with someone they know is bad for them then there ends up being lots of problems later. (Continued…)
tom
posted 2/14/08 @ 12:16 PM PST
Deborah should have more columns. They are always sharp, funny and insightful. Some of the other columns I read are either boring or narrow minded, and/or have some sort of idealistic agenda. (Continued…)
Bright_One
posted 2/14/08 @ 4:25 PM PST
Yeah, holidays suck!
I like this opinion piece much better than your last one. This was about yourself, and you let yourself out. I feel I that got to know you better, and you become more likable as a person. (Continued…)
Isabeau
posted 3/07/08 @ 2:50 PM PST
I surely hope that the content of your insightful article was not found inby conversations with your wife (me).
some of your examples sound vaguely farmiliar, yet i disagree with some of them. (Continued…)
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