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Let's just cut through the ol' crap cake, all right? Valentine's Day sucks for so many people on varying levels of agony, yet every year we subject ourselves to the most tragically misguided holiday in America.

The way I see it, you fall into one of three categories on this glorified day of love: You plan on decadently and begrudgingly spending your time with your significant other, date, crush, love interest, or hump buddy, while internally praying for a swift death some time before the check arrives but after you've split the cheesecake; or, you are single and plan on getting blackout drunk with your other single friends because you can't deal with your own vicious jealousy in any other way than a pathetic and caustic booze-fest and are openly bitter about being single; or you are single and pretend not to care about Valentine's Day and refer to it as "Hallmark's Holiday," while maintaining a false sense of superiority and the true desire for nothing more than a warm body to snuggle with. America's day of love is really a three-headed monster built on guilt, jealousy and consumption.

Me? I fall in between the second and third categories. And I'm mostly OK with that (even though option three's definition specifically states that I'll say I'm OK even when I'm not). I've recently once again joined the singles pool - ahem, ladies - and although I play it cool, there is genuinely nothing more I would love on this day to have a nice, cheap, romantic date, which may or may not end in some moderate to heavy petting. Bitter lewdness aside, there genuinely is nothing better than celebrating a day of love. But with the pressure that V-Day brings, is it even possible to have an effortlessly heartfelt day on Feb. 14th?

Since everything about Cupid's day is an insipid redundancy, can true affection float? How many times since first grade have you gone through the motions of chalky candy, crappy poems, ugly balloons, tacky flowers, Olive Garden dinners, melodramatic movies and boring, calculated romances? How many can you vividly remember? Isn't it odd that "showing" romance and love takes zero effort now that Valentine's Day does it all for us? While this argument is nothing new since Hallmark branded, trademarked and copyrighted this now infamous holiday, it strikes me as peculiar that we all seem aware of this plasticity, and either we are satisfied as the market's pawns, or we have all truly lost our sense of imagination, spontaneity and romance.

If the former is how you feel, then perhaps you see - or should see - the inconsistency in celebrating a capitalistic holiday of love. Isn't the concept of love based around the fact that even if you strip away all the treats, goodies, presents and material items, you still want to spend every waking second with your significant other? Anyone who doesn't love you without all the malarkey that comes along with Valentine's Day is not someone you want to be involved with as it is. So when the time comes for celebrating and sharing your love with one or more significant others, just remember you can do so without a strain on your budget or your dignity.

But in the unfortunate case that you have quite simply lost all romantic creativity, then here are some simple, sexy solutions for just about anyone. First of all, I propose that if you have the means - and if it doesn't violate any of your personal values - then on Feb. 14th, call in sick to school, work, or what have you and get it on with your significant other all freakin' day. Never leave bed unless it is to raid the fridge or rent a movie, and spend the rest of your time caressing each other down. It is the easiest of ways to show physical and emotional affection to your significant other. If that is not in your bag of tricks, then make some dinner together - even if you can't cook. If all you have got is your roommates and chums - like me - then play a new drinking game together because, let's face it, you'll likely be drinking anyway.

Personally, the intended concept of Valentine's Day is not in question: A specific date to show your love is not a bad thing. Of course you should love your partner every day, but there is nothing wrong with setting one day aside just for each other, and in a setting where everyone is doing the same thing. So get off your ass and start networking and planning for next Thursday because you deserve a passionate kiss, a sincere smile, a hearty laugh, and a loving day. Peace, love and happiness to all.

krouzpay@dailyemerald.com

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