Seeing as how there "hasn't been much in the news to write on for the last few days" ("Why I'm not an Ass (i.e. Democrat)," ODE Mar. 2), except illegal government wiretaps, the still mysterious sale of American ports to Arab companies, the renewal of the Patriot Act, the Hurricane Katrina debacle, etc., I thought I'd take the time to explain why I'm not Kirsten Brock. Of course, I understand that I have problems of my own, but I think Kirsten Brock has much less going for her than I do.
Without any further ado, here it is. To be Kirsten Brock, you have to-
-write opinion pieces that read like a "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" paper written by a sixth-grader. Why is it that these kind of articles are published in our school paper? No quotes, no statistical data, no evidence of any kind. This is journalism? Having worked for several papers before, I know how challenging it can be to come up with relevant yet entertaining story ideas for a daily newspaper. But Kirsten Brock's piece, cleverly titled "Why I'm not an Ass (i.e. Democrat)" makes even the most casual reader wonder what exactly the staff at this paper is doing each day. The fact that they're publishing articles so painful to read makes one wonder if the staff at the Emerald thinks we're even reading it.
-say things like "Republicans, on the other hand, like to get government out of their lives instead of allowing Big Brother to micromanage them to death." Republicans want the government out of our lives? Wake up - Republicans are the government. They do control all three branches of it, after all (but I'm sure she knew that). Besides, an examination of the last six years of American government - what with the Patriot Act, the illegal wiretapping, and the Bush Administration's "you can't catch us if we don't tell you anything" attitude - refutes anything anyone has to say about how Republicans want government out of our lives.
-assert that homosexuality is artificial and gender roles are not. For a moment, Ms. Brock should step outside of her world (which apparently is her kitchen). "I'm glad I don't want to spend my day off from work hunting for parts in a junkyard." Is this really Brock's perception of the modern male? That we hunt around in junkyards for "parts?" And if she's so keen on cooking, why doesn't she come over to my place tonight and cook for me? I would cook for myself, but I can't because my hands are just so greasy from huntin' 'round the junkyard.
-claim that she's part Native American (care to name which tribe?) in hopes that the "fact" somehow makes her more credible when it comes to talking about minority-related issues (you're not fooling anyone, Pocahontas).
-suggest that being a Democrat means you support socialism. I suppose given the current administration's tax cuts for the wealthiest individuals, anyone who supports a more fair distribution of wealth in this country appears to be a socialist.
-equate the support of Nazi rights to the majority of Americans' desire to have church and state separated. Republicans have kept gay marriage down solely because of what the Bible says. If they really had it their way, Ms. Brock, as a woman, would have never even gone to college. These are precious years during which she could be squeezing out a few kids.
-suggest that Republicans are fervent supporters of education, and that Democrats are frivolous spenders, when Bush cut more than $12 million from education and spent millions on developing the Department of Homeland Security, which brought us such useful tools in the war of terror such as the color-coded terror alert warning. It's green today! Does that mean I can go outside? Can I wipe my own ass? I don't know! I'd better ask my congressman!
-suggest that Democrats are cowards when it comes to war. No Democrat has ever suggested we "pack up and hide inside our borders." She follows her argument with what appears to be some kind of proposed military policy, suggesting that "laying down our arms and singing 'kumbaya' won't help." Neither does invading a country that poses less of a threat than North Korea, Syria, Iran, etc.
The fact that Ms. Brock's article was even published is baffling. Publishing opinion pieces is fine (even necessary during times like these), but at least make her research something first. Surely the Emerald could have filled the space with something more practical than Ms. Brock's opinion piece, like sudoku or another crossword puzzle.
Nick Cangie is a University student.
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