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"Fat, drunk and stupid" may indeed be no way to go through life, but it certainly isn't a bad way to go through college.
These aren't words to live by, nor are they a mantra for others to follow. It's simply the truth, the reality that I've been so fortunate to discover here at the University, home of the beloved "National Lampoon's Animal House."
To me, the University is a place where I learn, and for that I am grateful. But much more apparent in my mind is that the University was, for a brief moment in time, Faber College -- a place where the booze is free, the women are easy and the teachers are heady.
Faber College has so much more to offer than this University of ours. Back in 1977, when the film was shot on campus, Universal Studios gave the University the paltry sum of $20,000 to record a movie about binge drinking. Today, the University has become one of the first in the nation to ban alcohol from all Greek houses. There's something terribly wrong with this picture, and I don't want any part of it. Give me Dean Vernon Wormer and "double-secret probation" over University President Dave Frohnmayer and a dry system. Take the Pioneer statue in front of Johnson Hall. I'd rather have the likeness of Emil Faber, and his insightful words, "Knowledge is good."
Maybe I'm a little lost, more like the sick fraternity buddies in the movie, out of touch with the realities of today. But with the release of the 25th anniversary edition of the movie Aug. 26, I'm OK with my dementia.
"Animal House" is a place where a fatty like Kent "Flounder" Dorfman can get accepted into the party house on campus, Delta Tau Chi. "Animal House" is the place where a man like "Flounder" can have a girlfriend -- a hot blonde that rivals the movie's other, equally hot cheerleaders.
"Animal House" is a place where you can sit down and socialize with your professor over some grass. It's the place where you can talk about the microcosm in your fingernail, and have a frank discussion about the irrelevance of Milton.
"Animal House" is a place where you can walk into a room and hear the words we all long for: "Grab a brew, it don't cost nothin'." It's a place where grown men can dress up in bed sheets. A place where homecoming parades don't suck.
It's a place where John Belushi can drink a fifth of Jack Daniel's because he's an alcoholic, and it's funny. It's a place where sorority girls have topless pillow fights and -- as wonderful as just the thought of that is -- it's OK for peeping Tom's to have a look-see. It's a place where Sam Cooke music is always on, where white people can dance, where grades don't matter and where there are no repercussions.
A place that only gets better with age.
"Is this really what you're going to do for the rest of your life?" asks Katie, the wide-eyed girl most befriended by the Delts.
"What do you mean?" responds Donald "Boon" Schoenstein, her boozehound boyfriend.
"I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend," she says.
"No," Boone counters. "After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night."
"Animal House" is a land where the only thing that matters is having a good time. It's a place where the last laugh is always the brothers'. And that's really how it should be.
"Animal House" is a peek into a life we all should embrace because, after all, who doesn't want to get smashed in a toga and sleep with the dean's sensuous wife?
This disillusion of mine may be a bit hard to swallow. Perhaps I'm looking too far into a satirical movie that depicts some of the grossest, most immoral activities captured on screen by 1978. Possibly, in fact, the movie represents nothing of fraternity life in 1962 -- or ever. I don't care.
Call me crazy, because I can defend myself. Perhaps nothing of what I've written thus far has been even slightly compelling, but the eloquent words of Eric "Otter" Stratton most certainly are:
"Ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests -- we did. But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the actions of a few sick, perverted individuals.
"For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you ... isn't this an indictment of our entire American society?
"Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!"
It's this kind of thinking, of course, that has brought us some of the greatest leaders in the world today. Take a look at Fortune 500 executives -- about 80 percent are Greek, according to www.greek101.com. The same can be said for U.S. congressmen and congresswomen, and for those who have sat on the U.S. Supreme Court since 1910
Still want more evidence?
"Otter" became a gynecologist in Beverly Hills, "Hoover" became a lawyer and "Bluto" became a U.S. Senator.
So there you have it.
"With liberty and fraternity for all. Amen."
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at editor@dailyemerald.com.
His opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.
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